Well, my head is swimming with thoughts again...time to write. I really didn't expect my next entry to be on this subject, but such is the nature of the stream of consciousness.
What is a man to do when his beloved girlfriend has a close friend...except that best friend happens to be another man, who happens to be a man she has slept with? Red flag right? More often than not, yes. Women are the ficklest and most self-absorbed they've ever been these days. Unfaithfulness runs rampant among married couples, of course with both genders...however, I find women are more likely to keep platonic guy friends around. Especially since, as mentioned above, women tend to be fickle, especially in their friendships with other women. I personally have always bonded with men more than women, being a tomboy at heart and holding little patience for women's tendencies to bitch and backstab.
(Ouch. Alright I'll stop putting down my own gender and get back on track now...)
As you may have guessed...I am said girlfriend in this case. And I'm stuck in the middle of a delicate situation. Recently my good buddy Nate got out of jail. (Woah, jail?) Calm down, weed has yet to be decriminalized. He went in at the beginning of me and Patches' beautiful budding relationship. Since then I felt the need to be too honest one day and let Patches know I had slept with him. Long story as to why I brought it up, but I probably didn't present it well, as Patches didn't exactly enjoy the information.
Nate and I were friends for years. When I first left raver-boy, Nate was there to listen to all my bitching about how mean my ex was, and the crying and insecurities about leaving my baby daddy (who dared to insult the stretch-marks I earned carrying his child). And when I decided to test the waters of having sex with someone besides raver-boy for the first time in years, I turned to someone I trusted. I don't regret it, we handled it like adults. It was cool and all, but we knew that was going to be it. We returned to being friends in a surprisingly comfortable manner. We got along great, but we knew better than to try and date. Nate has a tendency to bitch like a woman (sorry dude, love ya but you aren't reading this anyway) and get so sarcastic and scathing in his humor, my sensitive self can't handle it. He's not built to handle my emotional eccentric episodes, and I'm not built to handle his bitching. Good thing we can separate just when we're about to kill each other.
On the other hand, Nate's been there for a lot of shit in my life. He was there during my pregnancy, making fun of me for sneezing and peeing myself at the same time (jerk)...but also not giving up on me and being supportive even in my psychotic preggo moments. Sad to say, he did a better job than raver-boy a lot of the time (which wasn't too hard anyway). Anyways, it meant something to me. And on from there he continued to be a loyal friend and always respected my relationship despite witnessing how I was taken for granted and used.
Long story short, I love that dude to death, because he's earned it. But I love Patches in an infinitely deeper way, because that's who I've chosen to spend my life with. And he has definitely earned that.
So what's a girlfriend to do when friend gets out of jail and these guys have to face each other for the first time with the knowledge that they have....been in the same box? Ew. My poor darling Patches. I can easily imagine my feelings if I had to share him with a close gal pal who's ridden the same stallion....girl instincts scream for blood and clawed out eyes in these cases. Thankfully, I don't have that problem at the moment.
But again, poor Patches. He has been endlessly diplomatic so far, even though I know he's not comfortable. Up until today, where he re-expressed that he is in fact suspicious of me and Nate hanging out one-on-one, which we did last night. Ugh, even writing this I feel for him, I know how it looks, and he's already earned thousands of "understanding boyfriend" points in my book...compared to previous boyfriends who simply put their foots down and ended my friendships for me. Raver-boy was notorious for this.
I know without a doubt that if I were faced with an ultimatum, I would absolutely choose Patches. I know our goal is to grow old together, and I know that friends tend to grow apart. People move away, and the only ones they take with them are their partners and children. However, were I faced with this ultimatum, I would truly be heartbroken to lose my friend so soon.
Patches often tells me it "scares him that I'm smart." He tends to see smart women as better potential liars....more slick, more able to cover their tracks. I can't blame him, he's been through an emotional wood chipper of psychotic girlfriends and cheaters because of his kind and trusting nature. So without getting the narrowed eyes, what do I say? How do I reassure him? How do I say "it was a one-time thing," and "I would never cheat on you babe," when so many slick, deceptive, smart girls have uttered these words to hide their true intentions?
I can always offer the "I won't see my friend anymore,"option, but I really don't want to. I care about my friend and I've lost too many to bullshit this year. And I doubt Patches will pick that path because he knows what a slippery slope it is. You can cut a girl off from all potential risks, but its only a matter of time before she feels trapped, and not to mention, like absolute shit because her lover doesn't trust her. Some bitch-ass hoes need to be on a leash, yes. I, however, am not a bitch-ass ho, and my love knows that.
Now that this awkward situation is all broken down into words, my mind is clearer. Ultimately, all I can do is continue to love and cherish him and be the best most loyal girlfriend he's ever had, and trust that his fears will subside with time. It hurts right now that he has doubts in his mind...part of me wants to get angry and remind him just how loyal I know I am. But trust is not something you can make someone give you. It takes time and nurturing and an every-day decision to have faith in the one you love. And for anyone struggling with a similar situation, understand that fear can rule your heart much more easily than faith. I guess that's another reason why relationships take so much work.
I'm patient. And he's worth it. :)
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Introduction
I don't really care if anyone reads this blog, but if you are someone who happens to be reading it, understand that its not you, its me. I have a problem I like to call "overactive thinking." Those of us who struggle with this basically have no off-switch in our brains. We're deep in thought, 24/7. The only methods of relief I have been able to find from this condition are: (a) talking with other people and being able to get some of the thoughts OUT, or (b) writing them down.
In case you are really into reading this, here's the background information so my blog makes sense to you.
I'm currently 23 years old, I live in the suburbs of the US capital. My daughter Kenzie is 2.5 years old currently and she is amazing. I come from a sheltered, homeschooled, religious family...though I am none of those things anymore. Of course when I turned 18 and met some real people at community college, I had the classic "good girl gone bad" phase. I started drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes purely to "look cool." I even had a nice little sub-phase of the GGGB where I wanted to be a badass, street-smart, smooth criminal. I broke into some cars, stole some shit, caught a charge, and moved on from that phase. Then I met the rave scene.
Since my start with BoP (Business or Pleasure records), I've been working in rave planning/promotion since NYE 2011, soon after helping with BoP and Borderline Productions, I started Undead Promos. My first show was snatched out from under me (because everything is on facebook, and my co-host kicked me off the event page) and I guess that was an omen for how Undead was going to play out for me.
Ages 19-20 I partied my little ass off. I became very familiar with MDMA, LSD, ketamine, and a rack of research chemicals (thanks east coast). I had always liked electronic music, but I deepened and furthered my love for EDM and began studying DJing. I made art, danced, dressed up, and had weird yet enlightening discussions with my friends on shrooms. "Raver" became my proud identity, and when I fell into a deep ecstasy-infused love with a raver boy, I threw caution to the wind and let him get me pregnant. That's when everything changed.
For the first time since turning 18, I was forced to be sober. I was forced to slow down. I started to slowly feel my brain chemistry shifting back to normal, and I started to remember that I had values and dreams and I wanted more out of life than getting fucked up. When Kenzie was born, I looked into her eyes and realized in a stark moment of growing up, "It's not about me anymore."
Sobriety also revealed the true colors of the raver boy I had promised my life to. I don't want to turn this into a hate rant, so I'll just say he was definitely NOT "The One." Even after realizing this, I tried to keep it together for little Kenzie. "She deserves parents who are together, I don't need to be happy I suppose." Then I fell into a deep depression. This relationship had literally raised ALL the red flags, and every day I talked myself into staying. One day my boss at the restaurant I worked said something that blew my mind.
"You can try and keep it together for the kid, but if mommy's not happy, nobody is happy... especially not the kid." And I knew it was true.
Raver boy and I had been running Undead Promos together since he came into the picture. The night I left, I ran off to a friend's house and I woke up to my company email/web/facebook passwords all changed by the next morning. Company gone. I came back for my daughter and moved out a week later.
That was last January. Since then, I've continued to grow in ways I didn't think I would have to. Raver boy turned into the bitterest of enemies, dragging my name through the mud and trying to erase all memory of my work in Undead. It hurt. So much. But I have to thank him, I grew a much thicker skin because of it. I used to live paralyzed in fear of what people thought of me. This year I had to close off those feelings or I would have lost my mind. And despite his best efforts to kick me out of the scene, I launched my new company "Straight Up Raves" in October. I have a dream, and no matter how many people try to screw it up for me, I'm not giving up.
I was able to pursue the friendships I wanted, and among those I learned that not every friendship is worth fighting for. And some really are. And sometimes a friend can throw you for a loop by being so amazing that you fall in love with them. For me, that was Patches.
Patches and I had met years back when I was still pregnant. We were fast friends because of our similar nicknames. Patches and Pockets. He ended up working for me in Undead as security and being a general go-to guy. We built bonfires together, broke up fights together, and guarded the lonely front gate of many outdoor shows sitting in the back of his truck. There was no "love at first sight," as we were both in separate committed relationships for years, but I remember when I did fall in love with the sight of him. We went to help set up decorations for a show in DC, and spent the afternoon climbing ladders, cutting fishing line, and discussing our ideas. As I watched him climb the ladder for the 10th time, it hit me. I love working alongside this person. We were having fun, and we were getting shit done, just like always. And later that night we danced. We shuffled and stomped and jumped up and down smiling at the sight of each other, and that's when it hit me. I love having fun with this person. It made me happy to see him happy, and dear god he looked good in those UFO pants.
I can feel myself wanting to go on and on about how wonderful it was falling in love with him. But falling in love is always wonderful. And I'm proud to say I fall in love with him a little bit more every day. His down-to-earthness, his good nature toward all creatures, his eccentric mind and thoughts that sometimes all jumbled up when he tries to put them in words, and how cute it is when that happens. And most of all, he brings out the best in me. I really could go on forever but you'll hear more about Patches later.
In the midst of it all, my daughter and I grew closer than ever this year. We moved a lot at first, but we were together for it all. No matter where we were sleeping she knew I would be there to kiss her goodnight, and hug her good morning. Eventually I made the choice to move back home with parents until I could be financially stable. And though I would rather be independent, I will always cherish the extra time I got to spend with her this year because of it. She is thriving here. Curious, smart, well-spoken, and polite. She loves vegetables and baths and brushing her teeth. We sing and dance together and my heart bursts with joy when she tells me she loves me. Again, my daughter is amazing.
Well, that was a very long introduction.
So that's me, Pockets. And so begins this blog. My thoughts on life, love, parenting, friendship, pain, memories, self-searching, and of course my thoughts on the rave scene today. I don't even know who would find this blog relevant, except maybe other overactive thinkers, or raver moms. But it's totally okay, because its all for me, not you, remember? ;)
In case you are really into reading this, here's the background information so my blog makes sense to you.
I'm currently 23 years old, I live in the suburbs of the US capital. My daughter Kenzie is 2.5 years old currently and she is amazing. I come from a sheltered, homeschooled, religious family...though I am none of those things anymore. Of course when I turned 18 and met some real people at community college, I had the classic "good girl gone bad" phase. I started drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes purely to "look cool." I even had a nice little sub-phase of the GGGB where I wanted to be a badass, street-smart, smooth criminal. I broke into some cars, stole some shit, caught a charge, and moved on from that phase. Then I met the rave scene.
Since my start with BoP (Business or Pleasure records), I've been working in rave planning/promotion since NYE 2011, soon after helping with BoP and Borderline Productions, I started Undead Promos. My first show was snatched out from under me (because everything is on facebook, and my co-host kicked me off the event page) and I guess that was an omen for how Undead was going to play out for me.
Ages 19-20 I partied my little ass off. I became very familiar with MDMA, LSD, ketamine, and a rack of research chemicals (thanks east coast). I had always liked electronic music, but I deepened and furthered my love for EDM and began studying DJing. I made art, danced, dressed up, and had weird yet enlightening discussions with my friends on shrooms. "Raver" became my proud identity, and when I fell into a deep ecstasy-infused love with a raver boy, I threw caution to the wind and let him get me pregnant. That's when everything changed.
For the first time since turning 18, I was forced to be sober. I was forced to slow down. I started to slowly feel my brain chemistry shifting back to normal, and I started to remember that I had values and dreams and I wanted more out of life than getting fucked up. When Kenzie was born, I looked into her eyes and realized in a stark moment of growing up, "It's not about me anymore."
Sobriety also revealed the true colors of the raver boy I had promised my life to. I don't want to turn this into a hate rant, so I'll just say he was definitely NOT "The One." Even after realizing this, I tried to keep it together for little Kenzie. "She deserves parents who are together, I don't need to be happy I suppose." Then I fell into a deep depression. This relationship had literally raised ALL the red flags, and every day I talked myself into staying. One day my boss at the restaurant I worked said something that blew my mind.
"You can try and keep it together for the kid, but if mommy's not happy, nobody is happy... especially not the kid." And I knew it was true.
Raver boy and I had been running Undead Promos together since he came into the picture. The night I left, I ran off to a friend's house and I woke up to my company email/web/facebook passwords all changed by the next morning. Company gone. I came back for my daughter and moved out a week later.
That was last January. Since then, I've continued to grow in ways I didn't think I would have to. Raver boy turned into the bitterest of enemies, dragging my name through the mud and trying to erase all memory of my work in Undead. It hurt. So much. But I have to thank him, I grew a much thicker skin because of it. I used to live paralyzed in fear of what people thought of me. This year I had to close off those feelings or I would have lost my mind. And despite his best efforts to kick me out of the scene, I launched my new company "Straight Up Raves" in October. I have a dream, and no matter how many people try to screw it up for me, I'm not giving up.
I was able to pursue the friendships I wanted, and among those I learned that not every friendship is worth fighting for. And some really are. And sometimes a friend can throw you for a loop by being so amazing that you fall in love with them. For me, that was Patches.
Patches and I had met years back when I was still pregnant. We were fast friends because of our similar nicknames. Patches and Pockets. He ended up working for me in Undead as security and being a general go-to guy. We built bonfires together, broke up fights together, and guarded the lonely front gate of many outdoor shows sitting in the back of his truck. There was no "love at first sight," as we were both in separate committed relationships for years, but I remember when I did fall in love with the sight of him. We went to help set up decorations for a show in DC, and spent the afternoon climbing ladders, cutting fishing line, and discussing our ideas. As I watched him climb the ladder for the 10th time, it hit me. I love working alongside this person. We were having fun, and we were getting shit done, just like always. And later that night we danced. We shuffled and stomped and jumped up and down smiling at the sight of each other, and that's when it hit me. I love having fun with this person. It made me happy to see him happy, and dear god he looked good in those UFO pants.
I can feel myself wanting to go on and on about how wonderful it was falling in love with him. But falling in love is always wonderful. And I'm proud to say I fall in love with him a little bit more every day. His down-to-earthness, his good nature toward all creatures, his eccentric mind and thoughts that sometimes all jumbled up when he tries to put them in words, and how cute it is when that happens. And most of all, he brings out the best in me. I really could go on forever but you'll hear more about Patches later.
In the midst of it all, my daughter and I grew closer than ever this year. We moved a lot at first, but we were together for it all. No matter where we were sleeping she knew I would be there to kiss her goodnight, and hug her good morning. Eventually I made the choice to move back home with parents until I could be financially stable. And though I would rather be independent, I will always cherish the extra time I got to spend with her this year because of it. She is thriving here. Curious, smart, well-spoken, and polite. She loves vegetables and baths and brushing her teeth. We sing and dance together and my heart bursts with joy when she tells me she loves me. Again, my daughter is amazing.
Well, that was a very long introduction.
So that's me, Pockets. And so begins this blog. My thoughts on life, love, parenting, friendship, pain, memories, self-searching, and of course my thoughts on the rave scene today. I don't even know who would find this blog relevant, except maybe other overactive thinkers, or raver moms. But it's totally okay, because its all for me, not you, remember? ;)
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