Introduction

I don't really care if anyone reads this blog, but if you are someone who happens to be reading it, understand that its not you, its me. I have a problem I like to call "overactive thinking." Those of us who struggle with this basically have no off-switch in our brains. We're deep in thought, 24/7. The only methods of relief I have been able to find from this condition are: (a) talking with other people and being able to get some of the thoughts OUT, or (b) writing them down.

In case you are really into reading this, here's the background information so my blog makes sense to you.

I'm currently 23 years old, I live in the suburbs of the US capital. My daughter Kenzie is 2.5 years old currently and she is amazing. I come from a sheltered, homeschooled, religious family...though I am none of those things anymore. Of course when I turned 18 and met some real people at community college, I had the classic "good girl gone bad" phase. I started drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes purely to "look cool." I even had a nice little sub-phase of the GGGB where I wanted to be a badass, street-smart, smooth criminal. I broke into some cars, stole some shit, caught a charge, and moved on from that phase. Then I met the rave scene.

Since my start with BoP (Business or Pleasure records), I've been working in rave planning/promotion since NYE 2011, soon after helping with BoP and Borderline Productions, I started Undead Promos. My first show was snatched out from under me (because everything is on facebook, and my co-host kicked me off the event page) and I guess that was an omen for how Undead was going to play out for me.

Ages 19-20 I partied my little ass off. I became very familiar with MDMA, LSD, ketamine, and a rack of research chemicals (thanks east coast). I had always liked electronic music, but I deepened and furthered my love for EDM and began studying DJing. I made art, danced, dressed up, and had weird yet enlightening discussions with my friends on shrooms. "Raver" became my proud identity, and when I fell into a deep ecstasy-infused love with a raver boy, I threw caution to the wind and let him get me pregnant. That's when everything changed.

For the first time since turning 18, I was forced to be sober. I was forced to slow down. I started to slowly feel my brain chemistry shifting back to normal, and I started to remember that I had values and dreams and I wanted more out of life than getting fucked up. When Kenzie was born, I looked into her eyes and realized in a stark moment of growing up, "It's not about me anymore."

Sobriety also revealed the true colors of the raver boy I had promised my life to. I don't want to turn this into a hate rant, so I'll just say he was definitely NOT "The One." Even after realizing this, I tried to keep it together for little Kenzie. "She deserves parents who are together, I don't need to be happy I suppose." Then I fell into a deep depression. This relationship had literally raised ALL the red flags, and every day I talked myself into staying. One day my boss at the restaurant I worked said something that blew my mind.

"You can try and keep it together for the kid, but if mommy's not happy, nobody is happy... especially not the kid." And I knew it was true.

Raver boy and I had been running Undead Promos together since he came into the picture. The night I left, I ran off to a friend's house and I woke up to my company email/web/facebook passwords all changed by the next morning. Company gone. I came back for my daughter and moved out a week later.

That was last January. Since then, I've continued to grow in ways I didn't think I would have to. Raver boy turned into the bitterest of enemies, dragging my name through the mud and trying to erase all memory of my work in Undead. It hurt. So much. But I have to thank him, I grew a much thicker skin because of it. I used to live paralyzed in fear of what people thought of me. This year I had to close off those feelings or I would have lost my mind. And despite his best efforts to kick me out of the scene, I launched my new company "Straight Up Raves" in October. I have a dream, and no matter how many people try to screw it up for me, I'm not giving up.

I was able to pursue the friendships I wanted, and among those I learned that not every friendship is worth fighting for. And some really are. And sometimes a friend can throw you for a loop by being so amazing that you fall in love with them. For me, that was Patches.

Patches and I had met years back when I was still pregnant. We were fast friends because of our similar nicknames. Patches and Pockets. He ended up working for me in Undead as security and being a general go-to guy. We built bonfires together, broke up fights together, and guarded the lonely front gate of many outdoor shows sitting in the back of his truck. There was no "love at first sight," as we were both in separate committed relationships for years, but I remember when I did fall in love with the sight of him. We went to help set up decorations for a show in DC, and spent the afternoon climbing ladders, cutting fishing line, and discussing our ideas. As I watched him climb the ladder for the 10th time, it hit me. I love working alongside this person. We were having fun, and we were getting shit done, just like always. And later that night we danced. We shuffled and stomped and jumped up and down smiling at the sight of each other, and that's when it hit me. I love having fun with this person. It made me happy to see him happy, and dear god he looked good in those UFO pants.

I can feel myself wanting to go on and on about how wonderful it was falling in love with him. But falling in love is always wonderful. And I'm proud to say I fall in love with him a little bit more every day. His down-to-earthness, his good nature toward all creatures, his eccentric mind and thoughts that sometimes all jumbled up when he tries to put them in words, and how cute it is when that happens. And most of all, he brings out the best in me. I really could go on forever but you'll hear more about Patches later.

In the midst of it all, my daughter and I grew closer than ever this year. We moved a lot at first, but we were together for it all. No matter where we were sleeping she knew I would be there to kiss her goodnight, and hug her good morning. Eventually I made the choice to move back home with parents until I could be financially stable. And though I would rather be independent, I will always cherish the extra time I got to spend with her this year because of it. She is thriving here. Curious, smart, well-spoken, and polite. She loves vegetables and baths and brushing her teeth. We sing and dance together and my heart bursts with joy when she tells me she loves me. Again, my daughter is amazing.

Well, that was a very long introduction.

So that's me, Pockets. And so begins this blog. My thoughts on life, love, parenting, friendship, pain, memories, self-searching, and of course my thoughts on the rave scene today. I don't even know who would find this blog relevant, except maybe other overactive thinkers, or raver moms. But it's totally okay, because its all for me, not you, remember? ;)