Well, my head is swimming with thoughts again...time to write. I really didn't expect my next entry to be on this subject, but such is the nature of the stream of consciousness.
What is a man to do when his beloved girlfriend has a close friend...except that best friend happens to be another man, who happens to be a man she has slept with? Red flag right? More often than not, yes. Women are the ficklest and most self-absorbed they've ever been these days. Unfaithfulness runs rampant among married couples, of course with both genders...however, I find women are more likely to keep platonic guy friends around. Especially since, as mentioned above, women tend to be fickle, especially in their friendships with other women. I personally have always bonded with men more than women, being a tomboy at heart and holding little patience for women's tendencies to bitch and backstab.
(Ouch. Alright I'll stop putting down my own gender and get back on track now...)
As you may have guessed...I am said girlfriend in this case. And I'm stuck in the middle of a delicate situation. Recently my good buddy Nate got out of jail. (Woah, jail?) Calm down, weed has yet to be decriminalized. He went in at the beginning of me and Patches' beautiful budding relationship. Since then I felt the need to be too honest one day and let Patches know I had slept with him. Long story as to why I brought it up, but I probably didn't present it well, as Patches didn't exactly enjoy the information.
Nate and I were friends for years. When I first left raver-boy, Nate was there to listen to all my bitching about how mean my ex was, and the crying and insecurities about leaving my baby daddy (who dared to insult the stretch-marks I earned carrying his child). And when I decided to test the waters of having sex with someone besides raver-boy for the first time in years, I turned to someone I trusted. I don't regret it, we handled it like adults. It was cool and all, but we knew that was going to be it. We returned to being friends in a surprisingly comfortable manner. We got along great, but we knew better than to try and date. Nate has a tendency to bitch like a woman (sorry dude, love ya but you aren't reading this anyway) and get so sarcastic and scathing in his humor, my sensitive self can't handle it. He's not built to handle my emotional eccentric episodes, and I'm not built to handle his bitching. Good thing we can separate just when we're about to kill each other.
On the other hand, Nate's been there for a lot of shit in my life. He was there during my pregnancy, making fun of me for sneezing and peeing myself at the same time (jerk)...but also not giving up on me and being supportive even in my psychotic preggo moments. Sad to say, he did a better job than raver-boy a lot of the time (which wasn't too hard anyway). Anyways, it meant something to me. And on from there he continued to be a loyal friend and always respected my relationship despite witnessing how I was taken for granted and used.
Long story short, I love that dude to death, because he's earned it. But I love Patches in an infinitely deeper way, because that's who I've chosen to spend my life with. And he has definitely earned that.
So what's a girlfriend to do when friend gets out of jail and these guys have to face each other for the first time with the knowledge that they have....been in the same box? Ew. My poor darling Patches. I can easily imagine my feelings if I had to share him with a close gal pal who's ridden the same stallion....girl instincts scream for blood and clawed out eyes in these cases. Thankfully, I don't have that problem at the moment.
But again, poor Patches. He has been endlessly diplomatic so far, even though I know he's not comfortable. Up until today, where he re-expressed that he is in fact suspicious of me and Nate hanging out one-on-one, which we did last night. Ugh, even writing this I feel for him, I know how it looks, and he's already earned thousands of "understanding boyfriend" points in my book...compared to previous boyfriends who simply put their foots down and ended my friendships for me. Raver-boy was notorious for this.
I know without a doubt that if I were faced with an ultimatum, I would absolutely choose Patches. I know our goal is to grow old together, and I know that friends tend to grow apart. People move away, and the only ones they take with them are their partners and children. However, were I faced with this ultimatum, I would truly be heartbroken to lose my friend so soon.
Patches often tells me it "scares him that I'm smart." He tends to see smart women as better potential liars....more slick, more able to cover their tracks. I can't blame him, he's been through an emotional wood chipper of psychotic girlfriends and cheaters because of his kind and trusting nature. So without getting the narrowed eyes, what do I say? How do I reassure him? How do I say "it was a one-time thing," and "I would never cheat on you babe," when so many slick, deceptive, smart girls have uttered these words to hide their true intentions?
I can always offer the "I won't see my friend anymore,"option, but I really don't want to. I care about my friend and I've lost too many to bullshit this year. And I doubt Patches will pick that path because he knows what a slippery slope it is. You can cut a girl off from all potential risks, but its only a matter of time before she feels trapped, and not to mention, like absolute shit because her lover doesn't trust her. Some bitch-ass hoes need to be on a leash, yes. I, however, am not a bitch-ass ho, and my love knows that.
Now that this awkward situation is all broken down into words, my mind is clearer. Ultimately, all I can do is continue to love and cherish him and be the best most loyal girlfriend he's ever had, and trust that his fears will subside with time. It hurts right now that he has doubts in his mind...part of me wants to get angry and remind him just how loyal I know I am. But trust is not something you can make someone give you. It takes time and nurturing and an every-day decision to have faith in the one you love. And for anyone struggling with a similar situation, understand that fear can rule your heart much more easily than faith. I guess that's another reason why relationships take so much work.
I'm patient. And he's worth it. :)
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